


love, love, love

by sxndazed



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, a ramble about love, if you were so in love that you had to talk about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-13 02:27:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20166628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sxndazed/pseuds/sxndazed
Summary: With Phil, he falls steadfast and hard. It's quick. A look into his eyes that are blue and yellow and green and so many colours all at once, and he's lost with no desire to be found.





	love, love, love

He used to think love would be easy. 

Well, it was more like he hoped it would be.

Everything else was hard. Coming to the realization that he wasn't exactly straight was _ hard as fuck _ and getting through school with that realization seemed nearly impossible.

He thought love would be easy because it was something practically everyone felt, right? He loves his nan and the rest of his family to a certain degree. He loves music and video games and performing. He loves a lot of things, so love should be easy.

But it isn't really.

He didn't think about how love is opening yourself up to others. He hates doing that. He's always in his head and his mum would call him out for it, but he couldn't stop the thoughts whirring in his head and spiraling out of control.

He didn't think about how it's knowing how to fight and how to resolve it. He's quick to hide behind words and use them as a shield and a dagger because he's scared and he's sort of always waiting for things to fall apart. 

He didn't think about love being communication. He talks and talks and talks because he can't stand the idea of his words being misconstrued, and if he says it enough then people will get it, won't they? He'll repeat and repeat and repeat until people are tired, but he has to be clear. He's scared he won't be, but he's also scared others won't stick around long enough to get it.

Love is hard. But he also learns how it's not.

It's easy to want to be around Phil. It's easy to talk for hours and hours and never get tired of seeing the way his eyes light up when he's excited or the way he laughs with his whole body when something's funny.

It's easy to let him in. Not all the time, but he feels comfortable with letting him see the good and the bad. He lets Phil take care of him when things get hard, and it's more than he thought he'd ever let anyone see.

It's easy to learn to navigate the hard. He's able to be present outside of his head and voice his thoughts. He can take a breath and step back when his words get sharp because he learns that he doesn't need a shield when there's trust and understanding on the other side. He learns to trust his own words because they're understood the first time they're out of his mouth. 

He learns through practice. It's hard, so hard to get past the bad and into the good again, but he's in love. He's in love, and it makes him want to practice. It makes him want to open himself up to joy and love, so he learns. He learns the good and the bad, and in the end, love is nothing like he thought it was.

It's a thousand times better. 

When he was younger, he read about love and craved it. The idea of someone wanting him, every part of him, so completely and intensely was a dream he didn't dare wish for. He read about love at first sight and falling so quickly that it seemed foolish. He read about falling slowly, falling as time passed and letting it build with care and ease.

He wanted that slow buildup in the past. It seemed more stable, but he's always been a little impulsive and his head usually went with the opposite of his desires.

With Phil, he falls steadfast and hard. It's quick. A look into his eyes that are blue and yellow and green and so many colours all at once, and he's lost with no desire to be found. 

But he is found.

He is found in those same eyes that choose to look back at him. He is found in his hands that continue to reach for him and the fond crinkles of his eyes and the multitude of smiles, from sardonic to sincere, that all remind him that he is known and he is loved.

He is found, over and over, day by day, by the same boy he saw on his computer screen all those years ago.

So, he falls steadfast and hard. But the buildup is there, and he falls slowly too. He falls in love, and it fits him _ like a glove_. But every day, he spends his time slowly falling, deeper and deeper, and it happens with every muttered "morning," every look into those eyes, and every step they take to build their life together. 

He’s in love, and it feels better than he’s ever dreamed.


End file.
